problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
