have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
