In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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