cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
