My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
