I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
