Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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