I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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