I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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