you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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