I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
