I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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