So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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