it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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