Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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