Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
