I wish I could punch you in the face.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
