I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
