I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
