she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
