question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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