Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
