Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And then he peed in my hair
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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