Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
