I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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