video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
