Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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