she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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