The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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