is your mom at the bar?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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