I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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