so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
