Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
