Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
