Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize