is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
