Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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