i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
