Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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