why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize