My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
