It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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