I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
