I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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