All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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