Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
