WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
