my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
