Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
