I wish I could punch you in the face.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
