Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
