So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
