I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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